Ways to annoy the MarySues of Ipswich
by Kos-Mos607
Summary: Humorous rants on the repetitiveness of this fandom. I don't hate all Mary Sues just the ones that use the same idea over and over again. Flamers will get their asses handed to them by a very disgruntled NASCAR fan who argues for a living.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, first and foremost, this was meant to be a JOKE! Not a cheap shot at MarySue writers. This is something a friend of mine dared me to write and y'all know me, I don't back down from a challenge. Especially when I'm drunk, which for some odd reason is normally the time people dare me to write these kinda of things. This is not meant to offend anyone and as a matter of a fact, I'm taking a few cheap shots at my own fic in here and I'm currently in the middle of reading a few MS fics. Flames will be laughed it, mocked and picked apart by my many TCR fans.

Hopefully some of you will find this funny...

**Ways to annoy the Mary-Sues of Ipswich...**

**1)** Get legal binding proof that none of the four boys have ANY siblings and continuously wave the document around.

**2)** Constantly remind people that there was never a female recorded in the bloodline and there never will be...and no, Chase doesn't count. Even though he has bigger boobs then I do.

**3)** Insist that all five boys are gay!

**4)** Insist that the four boys only get it on with each other. (Hey, who can honestly say no to a decent foursome?)

**5)** Lock the school's registration so that no Girls-who-seam-to-be-normal-but-have-a-dark-secret can transfer in.

**6)** ...This includes any OC siblings of Aaron, Sarah or Kate.

**7)** If by some odd reason a new girl shows up, convince her to have an 'actual' personality and not one that's just a cheap knock off of Reid's.

**8)** Constantly inform them the four boys only grew up with each other and had no 'pretty' or 'soft spoken' girls for friends who then leave town and show up ten years later.

**9)** Give Gorman some actual attention.

**10)** Cancel all school dances, fund-raisers and parties so the boys can't hook up with some curvy blonde chick who thinks they're just 'Neat-o'.

**11)** Continuously slash Tyler with everyone and their brother so that no OC girls can get him.

**12)** Make sure you keep all five boys in line so that no one can 'accidentally' catch the boys using on camera.

**13)** If number 12 is ignored, make sure you carry the standard MIB flash pen and are fully instructed on how to use it properly.

**14)** Should you forget to carry the MIB flasher on you, a shotgun will work just fine.

**15)** If by some reason you accidentally flash it at the boys inform them they were just seconds away from a foursome and grab some popcorn.

**16)** Inform all of the victims of the skirt-flipping game that Reid's gay.

**17)**...With Tyler.

**18)** Remind people there are no such things as Vampires, Werewolves, Fairies, Pagan Temple Guardians or any other dark critters...at least not in Massachusetts.

**19)** Get proof that Chase really died that night at Putnum barn and did not fall through some dimensional vortex thingy and woke up somewhere else.

**20)** ...Or willed his powers away at the last second.

**21)** Insist that Caleb didn't free a wandering spirit or had one take over his body during his fight with Chase...(Even though that's the entire point of my fic, LOL.)

**22)** And lastly, should any of these offend the writers, blame it on alcohol and start chugging tequila like there's no tomorrow.

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If anyone out there is offended, my bad. You people should start drinking.


	2. Chapter 2

Wow, I never thought I'd do a part 2 to this. It's my friend's fault, honestly, her and the bloody Valt/Rum chasers she makes. I'm turning into Jack Sparrow here, LOL.

**Ways to annoy the Mary-Sues of Ipswich... part 2**

**1)** Convince them to use a better summery then _"Who is such and such and what is her terrible, dark secret and how does she know the boys"_

**2)** Make them think up a title that's cleaver and unique, not one that's been used a hundred times over.

**3)**...Or at least one that isn't incredibly stupid (This applies to EVERYONE though...)

**4)** Give Pogue a REAL personality and not have him agree with Caleb constantly (He has a brain people! I know that because I love screwing around with it in my own fic.)

**5)** Give their OC's normal names

**6)** Carry the Book of Damnation with you at all times so you can prove there is no female in the bloodline.

**7)** Ask why they can't write a fic about a MALE OC that falls in love with one of the boys

**8)** If by some odd reason they do, make sure the boy has a unique personality and not one like Reid's (Seriously, we don't need another Reid running around...even though it's a lovely thought.)

**9)** Steal all four family trees and burn them so that no OC relatives can show up claiming they're part of the family

**10)** Give Gorman some powers of his own

**11)** Ship them with anyone but Reid!

**12)** Lock Sarah and Kate and any OC relatives they have in a closet somewhere and lose the key

**13)** When Caleb and Pogue come looking for them, claim you don't know where they are

**14)** If they get upset say "Well, at least you two always have each other...hint, hint."

**15)** If the two of them get together, video tape it and show it around to everyone as proof

**16)** Ship their OC's with Gorman

**17)** Inform them (Loudly) that the only person Reid or Tyler could've hooked up with at the Fall Dance would haven been Aaron or each other.

**18)** If you happen to stumble across a very well written MS fic with a normal girl and a decent summery (There's some out there!) copy it and wave in everyone's faces saying "This is the new standard people!"

**19)** Walk around with picket signs and yell "Death to MS. Viva la slash!"

**20)** Make sure there's plenty of alcohol involved so that more people will join in.

**21)** Send me more material so I can continue to make these darn lists.

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Same as last time, if this offends my bad. You people need to drink more. Valt/Rum chasers all around!


	3. Chapter 3

Wow a part three. Never thought I'd get THIS far with my humor. Currently, I have 666 hit on this...hmm, creepy yet fitting. LOL

**Ways to annoy the Mary-Sues of Ipswich... part 3**

**1)** Remind them that Sarah and Kate just can't conveniently "Disappear" no matter how much we want them to!

**2)** If by some odd and merciful reason they do, lock the boys in the colony house to keep them away from the incredible amount of MS transfer girls.

**3)** When they get board and grumble about everything tell them to 'Entertain themselves' and wiggle your eyebrows

**4)** If they give you a weird look, pop back with "What, it's High School, live a little."

**5)** When they take your advice, record it and show it to everyone

**6)** If you happen to bump into any MS's on Spencer's campus and they try to introduce themselves say "I don't need an introduction, I just met the five different versions of you over there!"

**7)** Constantly bug them to write a MS fic about a MALE transfer student. (I'm still waiting for one people!)

**8)** Inform them that the boys ONLY belong to each other and Gorman...because he's their pimp!

**9)** Make them think of a summery that doesn't start with "A strange but hot new girl comes to Spencer and some weird shit goes down"

**10)** Tell them there's no freakin' way the new transfer chick can have more power then the boys unless they have a cock! (Yeah, I said 'cock' on here, wanna fight about it?)

**11)** Drag Gorman around with you everywhere so that he can confirm there never was a girl in the bloodline and there never will be.

**12)** Also make sure he tells them there are no other Covenants!

**13)** If they argue, tell him to smack them with his pimp cane

**14)** ...or pimp slap them (Lord, guide my pimp hand and make it strong now!)

**15)** If any of the boys try to intervene, tell them to get back on their corner because they're losing you and Gorman money!

**16)** Ship all five boys together constantly so no OC girls can end up with them

**17)** Carry a gun full of silver bullets so you can rid the campus of those pesky she-vampires and werewolves (Seriously though, I do like the wolf ones, I just wish there was on with a MALE OC)

**18)** If you haven't locked the school registration, DO SO NOW

**20)** If the Provost wants to know why, make him read all of the MS fics on here

**21)** When he runs away screaming, take over his desk and position so you can do it yourself

**22)** Separate the girls into small groups with "Girls-that-seam-perfectly-normal-but-have-a-dark-secret in one corner" and "Possible relatives of the boys" in another and so on

**23)** If they ask what for, just smile evilly and yell for the slashers to attack

**24)** Leave no survivors and prepare for the next wave, they're coming in groups of four now!

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Thank you WolfenDragonfly for number 1, GoblinJordy for number 6 and dynamite disaster for number 10.

If you have a MS complaint you want me to address, feel free to leave it in a comment at the front desk.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay before we begin let me explain something to the dumb asses out there that are too stupid or lazy to read my disclaimer. THIS IS A JOKE AND NOT A CHEAP SHOT AT MARY SUES! I'm repeating this because I got a flamer the other day who not only couldn't spell a damn word right and was too cowardly to leave their name thought I was trying to 'Ruin this category we all all work so hard on' and 'encouraging people not to read our fics'

Let me say it again, IT'S A JOKE! Y'ALL NEED TO DRINK MORE!

Now that's out of the way, I hope a few of you will get a laugh because really that's my only mission in life.

**Ways to annoy the Mary-Sues of Ipswich... part 4**

**1)** Ask them why they always seam to be afraid of love...especially when they're being paired with some of the hottest guys in the whole fan fiction realm.

**2)** Separate all possible twins from the boys and make them join one the other five thousand covenants that are out there instead of Ipswich

**3)** Constantly ride their asses about their bad spelling in their Titles and Summaries (I know, like I should talk)

**4)** Smack them every time they apologies for using a crappy summery IN THEIR BLOODY SUMMERIES. (This goes for everyone though, including ME!)

**5)** SHIP THEM WITH ANYONE BUT REID AND TYELR!

**6)** Explain that there's no forkin' way over 200 girls who act like Reid can be the girl of Tyler's dreams.

**7)** Get Reid neutered so he can't sleep with over 20 MS's and accidentally transfer powers.

**8)** Or to save time (And money) tell them there's a handy invention called a "Condom"

**9)** Drink a shot of jack every time they use the phrase 'Daughters of Ipswich' because it really does get tiring

**10)** Laugh at the fact that all of the new MS's have male names.

**11)** And remind them that there's no way for them to be stronger then the boys unless they are MALE and have 'junk'.

**12)** Destroy all records and tablets detailing a prophecy about a girl who will one day save the covenant and blah, blah, blah.

**13)** Make sure you get the ones detailing other 'All Girl' covenants too

**14)** Give everyone a copy of "Ipswich Boys Gone Wild" and make them watch all the boy on boy bonking parts

**15)** Especially the part with Pogue and Caleb in the hot tub. Rowr

**16)** Ask them why they always have to have a cab bring them to Ipswich when they're suppose to be so forkin' rich

**17)** Two words 'Slasher Diaries'

**18)** Rangel yourself a T-Rex from the JP fandom and make it stand guard outside of the colony house so no "Beautiful and Busty" girls can just happen to walk into it and discover everything (I named mine T-Bone)

**19)** And for a laugh bring it to school with you and make it chase all the MS's on campus.

**20)** Just make sure it doesn't eat Gorman 'cause you know how tasty and chewy those ol' folks are (Runs off to save Gorman from T-Bone)

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Bad, BAD T-Bone! I need him for TCR. (Grabs Whoop-ass stick.)

Thanks to BrittneyAnna for number 1 and animegurl715 for number 5


	5. Chapter 5

I needed a small break from my many upcoming chapters. This one is split in half because I have two types of Sues to annoy now. Mwhahahaha!!!**  
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**Ways to Annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich…**

**1)** Destroy the Book of Damnation so no more Girls-Who-Seam-Normal-But-Have-A-Dark-Secret can be recorded in it

**2)** Explain to them that there's no fucking way their girls can be 40DD when they have a size 3 waist. She anit Lara Croft!

**3)** Send her description to Ms. Croft and let Lara beat the crap out of her for taking away her fanboys

**4)** If Ms. Croft isn't available, make your T-Rex do it

**5)** Make Chase cast spider spells on them repeatedly (Hey, we finally found a use for him.)

**6)** Tell them the 'Super hot and mysterious 007 girls who have powers and is forced to save the world' plot line is REALLY getting old!

**7)** Drink a full bottle of jack every time that plot line comes up. I'm buying

**8)** Call in "Pope Sweet Jesus" and "Lord Have Mercy" as reinforcement pimps to help Gorman keep the boys in line. (A cookie to whoever can name what movie they're from.)

**9)** Explain that unless their Sue is a Siren, all of the boys can't be in love with her!

**10)** Once again, four hundred girls who act like Reid are not Tyler's soul mate

**11)** Ship baby boy with the REAL thing and pass your fic around

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**Ways to Annoy the Gary Sues of Ipswich…**

**1)** Make their authors write more then four fucking chapters!

**2)** Hire a pimp to keep them in line

**3)** Just make sure they're not working the same corner as teh boyz 'cause I'm trying to slid money into the WRONG boy's pants

**4)** Ship them with ANYONE but Tyler

**5)** Aaron should do

**6)** Stick them on the chess team instead of the swim team

**7)** Or make them train with the 300 Spartans to beef up their appearance

**8)** Smack them if they have the same personality as Reid because we don't need another one of him running around

**9)** Have them walk around in their underwear like the hoes/Sarah and Kate did throughout the entire movie

**10)** Give them Sex-Ed lessons

**11)** Make sure they learn how to please the boys 'cause the Mary Sues aren't doing it good enough (Not for my taste anyway…)

Hopefully y'all still find this funny.

And A small note to the flamers, if you don't want me to make fun of you, get creative and think of a new storyline for a change instead of the typical 'Daughters Of Ipswich' crap. It's been done 200 times! Damn...**  
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	6. Chapter 6

Whew, 3 Covenant updates in one day. Not bad for someone drunk off their ass from Rum/Sprite chasers and allergy medication.

**Ways to Annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich…**

**1)** Pull a Dwight McCarthy move and hire Marv to guard the boys day and night

**2)** Then fire him a moment later because Marv "Doesn't hit broads."

**3)** Hire the Colonel instead because we all know he'll get the job done (Holds up copy of "The Customer Is Always Right")

**4)** Send all of the transfer girls to a different school

**5)** Constantly ask them how THEY managed to get into Spencer with their GPA

**6)** If they argue with you, point out all of the spelling and grammar mistakes in their Titles and Summaries

**7)** Explain the fact that Tyler's really shy and will not willingly approach a random girl he doesn't know and talk to her for some odd reason

**8)** If said girl tries to approach him, shoot her!

**9)** Or Sick Mr. Shlubb and Mr. Klump on her because listening to those two talk for longer then five minutes will make anyone put a bullet in their heads

**10)** Get all of the MS's drunk and lock them in a room somewhere

**11)** Pretend to lose the key and leave them in there for a long period of time

**12)** Replace all of the warm and caring cab drivers in Ipswich with the ones from New York

**13)** Separate all possible twins of the boys and send them to the far corners of the earth because seriously, we don't want to read anymore of 'em!

**14)** Tell them it's not possible for EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER to date Reid!

**15)** Mix them with the Harry Potter Sues and see if you can tell the difference

**16)** If not, no big loss because we finally get some verity in this fandom

**17)** Once again, make their writers think of actual names

**18)** And a new plot line other then "Such and such is a strange but beautiful girl who just so happens to have powers"

**19)** Have Gorman destroy the Book of Damnation because these chicks are finding way too many loopholes.

**20)** Start another protest, this time on Spencer's campus (Holds up sign.)

**21)** Supply a large amount of beer so that college students will join in

**22)** If Marv joins in, you'll know you have enough.

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A cookie to whoever recognizes what fandom the names, Dwight, Marv, Shlubb and Klump came from.


	7. Chapter 7

Still goin' strong. Yeah baby!

And the names from the last chapter came from Frank Miller's Sin City

**Ways to annoy the MarySues of Ipswich, part 7**

**1)** Remind them it's really tacky for them to be all sweet and innocent and then three chapters later party like its 1999

**2)** Tell them the 'Sweat and Innocent' plot line is **REALLY** getting old

**3)** Buy them "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Writing Decent Fan Fiction" and make them read it

**4)** Work the names of great Mary Sue writers (cough) bradDslayer, chosenfire28, etc (cough) into your conversations with them and say just how GREAT it is to find something that doesn't have the phrase, "Daughters of Ipswich" in it!

**5)** Get a court order forbidding the words "Daughters" and "Ipswich" to be less then three words away from each other

**6)** Hire Nick Naylor as your consultant

**7)** Dance in celebration with the judge afterwards

**8)** Make them wear the Spencer uniform like the rest of the fucking school instead of a low-cut corset top with a short skirt and (my personal favorite) knee high, 3" boots

**9)** Say "Cheer up EMO chick" constantly to them

**10)** Send them gay porn in their e-mail every day

**11)** Appoint yourself as the official bouncer for The Sons of Ipswich

**12)** That way if some Mary Sue gets too cocky, you are well within your legal rights to toss her!

**13)** Use Gorman's pimp cane if things get difficult

**14)** Write your own version of the Book of Damnation using bright color-crayons and add lots of slash

**15)** Accuse the Sues of Sexual Harassment every time they flirt with the boys

**16)** Lock the school registration once again

**17)** Send those "Girls who seam normal but have powers and a dark secret" where they belong, Chico State

**18)** Pull a Russel Crowe and throw a phone at them

**19)** Send them all to the Hostel fandom (Evil laugh)

**20)** Track down the Vikings from The Pathfinder movie and bribe them to attack and dismantle/pillage all of the other covenants

**21)** Then build a shrine in their honor, including a life-sized statue of Clancy Brown

**22)** Pray to it often and encourage others to do the same. Praise Clancy!


	8. Chapter 8

4 updates in two days, man I'm bored

**Ways to annoy the MarySues of Ipswich, part 8**

**1)** Say "Cheer up EMO kid" repeatedly

**2)** Threatened to sue them for stealing the plot lines of over movies

**3)** Convince them to play "Bull Slap"

**4)** Ban them from using song titles or lyrics for their titles

**5)** Ask where the hell they learned to fight like pros while living the "Privileged Life"

**6)** Take them to Las Vegas and ask Criss Angel to make them disappear

**7)** Then ask him to make the rest of the lot to disappear as well

**8)** Hire Robert Rodriguez to direct the sequel because we know damn well he won't tolerate the 5000 girls who all act like Reid

**9)** Send them back to Elementary school so they can re-learn their ABC's

**10)** And how to spell!

**11)** Make sure they learn how to spell the fandom's name properly because it's really sad to see it misspelled when your write in the bloody fandom!

**12)** Carry duck tape at all times and use it on the hundreds of sirens stalking Spencer's campus

**13)** If you have some left over, use it on Reid so he can't flirt with the girls who act like Tyler (There's a new one)

**14)** Drop him off with the REAL thing and tell Tyler to get creative with the tape

**15)** Export the gang of kids from Hostel into the fandom and make them stand guard at Spencer's front gate

**16)** Give Aaron some actual attention

**17)** Hold the writers at gunpoint until someone writes another male OC character

**18)** Mix them with the Heroes Sues and see if there's a difference

**19)** Tell Sylar they have special 'Hero' powers and send him after them

**20)** Sell them to Eli Roth for use in his movies (Evil laugh)

**21)** Forbid the elders of the five bloodlines from having more then one child

**22)** Teach them how to actually PLEASE the boys sexually and send the "Innocent" and "Pure" girls home because there's no way in hell Reid would want to bone them


	9. Chapter 9

I'm actually drunk for this one, LOL

**Ways to Annoy the MarySues of Ipswich, part 9**

**1)** Inform them that "Sassy" and "Hot" are not decent character descriptions…and we're getting so farkin' tired of reading them over and over again

**2)** Send them all to the Charmed fandom so we can have a break

**3)** Get drunk and fallow them around for no apparent reason

**4)** Make sure you interrupt their conversations with the boys "Hey Reid guess what, she says she has powers, hahaha! And that one over there says she's your sister!"

**5)** Force them to wear pink! (Oh no, poor Mary Sues)

**6)** Steal Evelyn's stash of scotch before you read one of their fics

**7)** Make them eat Kalteen bars so their waist will scientifically match the size of their tits

**8)** Give all the wives of the five families the birth control pill so they can't have more then one child

**9)** If they do, two words: Boarding School! (Just make sure they don't come back)

**10)** Once again, make their author's think of better summaries

**11)** Send all of the pure virgins to Sex Ed so they can learn a few things

**12)** Hire Stuntman Mike to take them for a ride… (Evil laugh)

**13)** Write your own story about a girl "Who's Sassy and hot" and then make her attack the rest of the girls

**14)** Buy them all a copy of World of Warcraft, that'll make 'em disappear for a while

**15)** Draw them a treasure map that leads far away

**16)** Move in on the boys in their absence

**17)** Yell "Bee" and smack them hard on the back of the head every few seconds

**18)** Declare Kos-Mos the queen of the fandom (Yes I have an ego now, LOL)

**19)** Make Eli Roth direct The Covenant sequel because we all know exactly what will happen to all of those girls who act like Reid

**20)** When Eli gets physical with the boys make them watch (If you've seen "Hostel: behind the scenes" you'll get that one.)

**21)** Scream really loud when they're standing near you and say "Wow, I just had the most horrid dream"

**22)** Then look at them and pop back with "Holy Shit, it wasn't a dream!" and scream again

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Wow, nine parts. Didn't know I'd find THIS much to bitch about.


	10. Chapter 10

If this sounds a little bitter my apologies. One of my close friends on here sent me a link to some Covenant fiction and guess what, it was ALL Mary Sues and they ALL had the same $#& plot (I'm talking about 130 plus stories here peeps). To say I was a little pissed by that is an understatement. This is a sad day for us slashers and writers of decent MS fics…

**Ways to annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich, part 10**

**1)** Hold the MS writers at gun point until they think of a new original fic and not another Daughters of Ipswich story (We can't take anymore dammit!)

**2)** Make fun of their names, they're making it so much easier these days

**3)** Send them all to Quentin Tarantino's fandoms because Eli Roth won't take anymore

**4)** Hire Stuntman Mike to take them for a ride

**5)** When he's finished, steal his Dodge Challenger and drive it through Spencer's campus aiming for the rest of 'em

**6)** Offer them up as a sacrifice to appease John Putnum's spirit

**7)** Give Michael Myers their address

**8)** Point out the fact that for all of their suffering and over usage of their powers NONE OF THEM EVER DIE!

**9)** Scream 'FUCK' all the time to annoy those "Sweet" and "Innocent" goody-two-shoes-Sues

**10)** Sell all of their expensive cars and make them drive normal POS ones like regular High School students are suppose to

**11)** Dye all of their long black hair pink!

**12)** Get all of their names changed to Mary

**13)** Explain to their author's it's freakin' impossible for Mary Sue and her three friends to all get in Spencer at the same time, especially with their appearance and grades

**14)** Send the 'all the girl covenants' to Vegas and hope they come back married

**15)** If not, pawn them off on Criss Angel again, tell him Kos sent ya. He owes me a favor (Wink, wink)

**16)** Give them a spell checker for their birthday

**17)** Once again explain that they _chose_ to go to a prep school so they must where the dorky school uniforms

**18)** This also includes hair dye, it anit allowed bitches

**19)** Explain there's no way Reid, Caleb, Pogue and Tyler can have the EXACT same taste in women—excuse me girls— and there for can not be going after the same blue/pink/what-the-fuck-ever-her-damn-hair-is-colored chick

**20)** Slash all of the Sues with each other

**21)** Inform the Monty Python guys where all their witches have run off to

**22)** Write your own list about how to annoy them and pass it around

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And yes I had to give some love to Quentin Tarantino, I loved Death Proof. Poor Sues—err I mean, movie girls. (Looks around nervously)

Thank you to _4supernaturalgirl_ for bringing number 8 to my attention


	11. Chapter 11

I have to answer some fan mail with this one so hope y'all still enjoy this.

**Ways to Annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich 11**

**1)** Shoot the anonyms flamer that keeps riding my ass

**2)** Get them drunk and drop them off at a tattoo parlor

**3)** Make sure they get badly spelled tats "Caleg" "Reyd" and for a laugh "Gorman woz here"

**4)** Send them to the four brother's fandom and pay Bobby, Angel and Jerry to "Entertain them"…just make sure you hide Jacky Boy from them

**5)** Slash Jack with the sons

**6)** Write a story were Reid and Tyler get hitched and send it to them

**7)** Remind them Sarah can't just disappear three days after the movie for no apparent reason

**9)** Buy them a spell checker and hold a gun to their head until they use it

**10)** Make them watch porn non stop until they learn to write decent NC-17 scenes

**11)** If you don't have a credit card, make them read my fics. They might learn a few things

**12)** Send them to the AMA fandom so my fellow racing junkies can join me in tearing them apart

**13)** If the MS's even think about touching Eric, Ben, Nicky or Anthony IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

**14)** Fallow them everywhere and spray everything they touch with disinfectant

**15)** If they ask why, say you don't wanna catch MS germs for fear of turning into "a dark and mysterious girl with pink hair who dresses Goth like and has powers"

**16)** Dress them as Harry Potter and call Lord Voldemort

**17)** Hire Cartman to sing "Mary Sue is a bitch" all day long

**18)** Send them all to Survivor and watch them crack

**19)** Get them high and make them do dumb ass stuff

**20)** Record it with a camera and send it around Spencer the next day

**21)** Read my buddy **orene treke**'s "Attack of the Mary Sues" out loud to them

**22)** Make sue you laugh hella loud

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Now for my fan-mail… (Takes a HUGE swig from the glass of Vodka and Red bull near computer)

Most of these were sent to me in private messages so I won't identify their authors due to the fact that most of these people, minus a select few, are too damn cowardly to leave a name (Glare) anyway, I'll be answering them in question form…

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_You always seem to grumble and bitch about Mary Sues and how they have no plot. Well they do, have you even read them?_

Yes I have and over 400 of them are the same basic plot! Some new girl who usually is named after a color, flower, religious figure or what not comes to Spencer with a dark secret. Her hair is normally dyed and she's a size 4 with natural 40DD boobs that she normally shows off with slutty shirts and short skirts despite the fact that Spencer is a prep school and requires uniforms. All of the boys are instantly drawn to her by her remarkable beauty and her two/three friends are just as stunning as she is. She has powers and something horrible has happened that made her not want to use them but all of that changes when she meets the boys. And then some weird shit normally involving her family members or Chase happens and she is either harmed or must save the boy of her dreams (which 99.9 percent of the time is Reid, poor guy never gets a break, does he?) this resulting in a dreadful final battle where she wins but is hurt greatly. However she never dies, this is Mary Sues after all….am I getting warm yet? If not, I just wrote my own version of a MS tale above. LOL

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_You're list is competely lame and dumb. Who the wrold finds this shitt funy?_

Apparently 475,863 people do. This one is on here for two reasons. One, for us to laugh at because I did not change one damn thing in that sentence, that's how it was sent to me. This chick has been riding my ass for months now and keeps sending me stuff like this. The first flame she sent me she didn't even spell Covenant right, sad no? And two, she forgot to remove her name from the message (I got you now bitch, hahaha!) and I checked her profile. This chick hasn't written one damn thing for this site and yet she has the nerve to flame me and 10 of my buddies on here. **Small note for the flamers out there, if you haven't written your own story, shut the hell up; you've got no right to bitch! When you finally grow a pair and put something on this site for ALL OF US to read, review or flame, then you can bitch your ass off. It's like voting.** And just for making me suffer by reading your sorry excuse for spelling I'll just keeping on adding chapters to this, just to piss you off. Mwhahaha!

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_Love this fic...it's very funny, even though I'm not a slash fan...to each his or her own I guess... but there's one thing. Not that I'm trying to be picky or anything, that I'd like to point out for number six: Carry the Book of Damnation with you at all times so you can prove there is no female in the bloodline. That's wrong...there are females in the bloodline. According to the covenant website at least, which I think is a pretty credible resource. In those little fact boxes for the Danvers family, one of them says that Theodore Danvers's DAUGHTER Eleanor Spenser, founded Spenser Academy. Daughter. I'm not trying to be bitchy and all 'I know more covenant than you', but I thought you'd be interested in knowing..._

I don't consider this isn't a flame but see that? That right there is an original and creative idea, something that 3 out of 4 MS plots lack! Hat's off to ya girl. I'm all for a female in the bloodline (notice I'm not growling?) but like the Transfer Student fics, they mostly have the same plot. It does get a little tiring. All I ask for is some originality like that.

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_What's with all of this "Mary Sues all sound the same" crap? What makes your story different from the rest of the slash ones?_

(Blink) Hell if I know, ask the 400,000 people who have read it. I'm not kidding, that's the actual number on my page. Also I haven't stumbled across 300 plus slash stories with the same damn plotline. I hate to play favorites but my award for originality in the fandom goes to my fellow slashers because all of their plot lines vary from incredibly laughable to _"Damn, I can't even look away from my computer screen for five seconds"_ but the point is **WE HAVE VERITY THAT SHOULD BE APPLIED TO THE OTHER AREAS! **I thought up _The Crimson Ritual_ all on my own with ideas from many different sources (I'll revel them all in my last chapter of TCR) and my friends _Shiek 2, animegurl715, animegirl1129_ (if I forgot anyone please forgive me) all of their plot lines are great and none of them have the same idea. That fans and flamers is what this fandom needs.

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_I'm not trying to flame you or anything but I did have a question. You complain about Mary Sues lacking any verity and plot, have you ever tried writing one? Maybe you can start that new wave of originality you want._

Thank you very much for being polite, I respond more to that then _"OMG you suck. Write your own shit then". _Yes I am in the middle of writing my own MS fic, however it's Gary Sue and sadly it's not for this fandom. I'd like to write one for The Covenant but _"The Crimson Ritual"_ and _"The Lords of Salem"_ kinda run my life at the moment. Maybe one day… (Sighs)

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…believe it or not, I was in a good mood when I answered these just incase my responses sound otherwise. If anyone wants to ask a question I've got enough Vodka and Red Bull to last a week. I'll address it in my next entry.


	12. Chapter 12

The bitch is back with a vengeance, LOL

**Ways to Annoy the Marysues of Ipswich**

**1)** Paint their entire dorm PINK

**2)** Then decorate it with ponies, flowers and Disney princesses

**3)** Change all of their names to Sara Conner and send their address to Arnold

**4)** Pretend you have Tourette's syndrome and scream obscenities at them every few seconds

**5)** Laugh when they cry

**6)** Yawn loudly when they try to tell you of their horrible past

**7)** Ship them with the Gary Sues so they're all out of our hair

**8)** However, don't touch the five Gary Sues working on my corner; I've grown attached to them boys

**9)** Round up all of the Heroes, Eragon, Supernatural Sues and strand them on survivor island with them.

**10)** Throw them a party near Camp Crystal Lake

**11)** Send them even more Porn

**12)** Sketch horrible and cheap versions of them into Drawn Together and make them watch

**13)** Mimic Steve Irwin's accent and film your own discovery channel special on "The Rise of the Sue"

**14)** Make sure you classify them in their selected groups "That one right there is called 'The Twin Sue' and that sassy number over there is "The Reid knock off" and such and such

**15)** Trade your T-Rex in for one of the dragons from the Eragon fandom (I got dibs on Thorn and Shruikan)

**16)** Spray AXE on a nearby poll or building so they'll leave the boys alone

**17)** Backhand them every time they start agnsting

**18)** Repeat as many times as possible and then say "Oops sorry, thought you needed more persuasion"

**19)** Bribe Chase to hassle them 24/7 until they leave Spencer, offer him all of Caleb's 458,674 sisters as payment

**20)** Turn on Sponge Bob and wait for all of them to cluster around the TV

**21)** While they're distracted, grab all five boys and run off with them

**22)** Hide them in the Sin City fandom, no Sue ever goes there

-----------------------------

This got updated quickly because I reached my normal number of reviews, TCR however...(hint, hint)

And for those of you grumbling about my spelling, please deal with it. I do have a beta but I think these up randomly and have to post them ASAP before I loose my material so I don't really have time (or see a point since it's less then a full page) to pester my darling girl Jess.


	13. Chapter 13

Allow me to bitch for a moment, 360+ hits for my last chapter and only 6 reviews! (Glare)

**Ways to Annoy the MarySues of Ipswich, part 13**

**1)** Buy them a house on Elm Street

**2)** Introduce them to my GaryStu Dane and then say you witnessed them hitting on Lucas

**3)** Sell said Sue to the Elite Hunting group afterwards

**4)** Sneak into the Supernatural fandom and tell Dean and Sam that the Sues with 'mysterious powers' are really demons

**5)** Then get Chase to kill all the Supernatural Sues in return

**6)** Move onto Eragon afterwards and convince Thorn the Sues are REALLY tasty

**7)** Tell him they're a maiden sacrifice (Except half of them aren't exactly P-U-R-E enough for that description)

**8)** Track down Nariko from Heavenly Sword and then tell her the Sues are really working for King Bohan

**9)** Grab a camera and videotape her whooping their asses

**10)** Then tell Kai to play "twing twang" with the survivors

**11)** Assign yourself as the lawyer for the Danvers' family so you can finally put a stop to "The Sister Sue"

**12)** If not you, then hire Nick Naylor instead 'cause how can you NOT love that man, LOL

**13)** Appoint others for the other families as well. I nominate 'orene treke' for the Perry's, 'Animegirl1129' for the Simms and my good ol' buddy 'Silverfox' for the Garwin's because I wanna see what happens to the first Sue bitch that pisses her off (evil laughter)

**14)** Read my list to them all day long

**15)** Smack all of the seventeen year old Sues who complain about not knowing love (They're seven-freakin'-teen, no one knows what the hell love is at that age!)

**16)** Lock Chase in The Room of Shadows for a set amount of time because he's the new flavor of the month

**17)** Steal a large handful of AMA bikes and drive them through Spencer's campus and many buildings (Hops on Anthony Gobert's Yamaha) CHARGE!

**18)** Scream at the top of your lungs when you see a "Daughters of Ipswich" sequel

**19)** Call the "All Girl Covenants" cheap knock-offs of the Cuckoos because that's honestly what they're turning into nowadays (They're always in each other's minds and they think alike!)

**20)** Get a court order demanding for all MS fics to have a decent plotline and not the same damn one

**21)** Post it on the school's main building the next day so they all can see it

**22)** Write your own horrible version of "The Daughters of Ipswich Sue" storyline and spam this site with it

**23)** Then officially join the Sue group by flaming people who don't like it

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Thank you 4supernaturalgirl for numbers 4-7


	14. Chapter 14

Okay, I've been wandering around the Supernatural area of this site and all I can say is… Good Lord, I will never complain about the Covenant sues again!

…Scratch that, now I will out of revenge. The virus is spreading I tells ya!

* * *

**Ways To Annoy The MarySues Of Ipswich, part 14**

**1)** Snag the video from The Ring and make them watch it

**2)** Splice their genes with the zombie things in Planet Terror

**3)** Then introduce them to your new friends, Mr. Yellow needle, Mr. Blue Needle and finally Mr. Red Needle so you never have to see them again. (Robert is a genius at dialog!)

**4)** Remind the writers that it's freakin' ILLIGAL for a Sue under the age of 18 to have tattoos

**5)** And if for some odd, loophole reason they do, they must keep them covered (This is a prep school after all)

**6)** Get all of their long and silky black hair cut hell short

**7)** Then dye it pink

**8)** Try to get them to play sports and laugh when they refuse to for fear of breaking a nail

**9)** Use the baseball bat to hit the new wave of 'Jock Sues' that have been appearing

**10)** Forbid their writers from adding phrases like BDSM, HJ/BJ N/C MPreg unless they actually know what the hell those mean!!!

**11)** Smack them if they ask what they mean in the middle of the chapters (Seriously, if you don't know what the fark those mean, don't use them!)

**12)** Drag them into the Resident Evil fandom and throw them to the Zombies while you snag Carlos, Chris and Leon and the movie versions of Nickolai and Mikey

**13)** Tell them the MS's are really working for Umbrella and then send them after the girls

**14)** Take them Snipe Hunting. That'll be a laugh riot

**15)** Sell them to the freakin annoying merchant in Resident Evil 4 in hopes that ALL OF THEM SHUT THE HELL UP!!

**16)** Get all of the slashers and cannon writes vaccinated from the Mary Sues virus. Yes, it's real, look around if you don't believe me

**17)** Carry Holy Water with you 24/7 and throw it on the first demon/mysterious-girl-with-powers that bothers you

**18)** Laugh happily when it burns their "Wonderful pale skin that never needs make-up"

**19)** Form your own covenant and use it to battle all those pesky Sues!

**20)** Then branch off into other fandoms like Eragon, Supernatural, CSI, etc and save those poor boys

**21)** And for a laugh (and a hot smut fic) get all them hot boys drunk and watch the boy-on-boy groping

**22)** Be mean and don't let them watch

* * *

AN: You all know I love Robert Rodriguez so I just HAD to sneak Planet Terror notes in there. I loved that movie BTW

And before anyone askes, yes my daddy took me snipe hunting. Fun times

I'm workin' on TCR as we speak, leave me alone darn it. I was in a fender-bender incident last week so I've had a lot to deal with. Read the rest of my stuff if you're bored or go on my Journal and find some nice AMA smut to hold you over 'till then okay loves.


	15. Chapter 15

It's getting harder to find decent material to use anymore, they're all the same nowadays…

Ways To Annoy The MarySues of Ipswich Part 15

**1)** Carry a violin with you at all times and start playing it when they start their sob stories about their powers being terrible

**2)** Fallow them around everywhere humming "Dude Looks Like A Lady"

**3)** Laugh evilly and point to someone nearby when they get mad

**4)** Hand the kids from Hostel waffle bats and then tell them to play "Wack-A-Mole" with the Sues

**5)** Re-write all of the books about the Covenant's history to ward off the new wave of Sues who completely ignore the Book of Damnation and all of its history

**6)** Stab them with the "Sword of 1000 Truths" and laugh when they can't use their magic anymore

**7)** Pretend to have visions about their deaths and inform them in FULL detail

**8)** When they ask for more info, play dumb

**9)** Drop them off in Silent Hill and then get the hell outa doge (after giving their location and stats to Pyramid Head of course)

**10)** Tape condoms to the rear window of their expensive cars in an attempt to thin out the number of Sue offspring

**11)** Sell their soles to Peter Fonda (and no, he's not allowed to make riders out of any of them)

**12)** Take out a shotgun whenever they're around the boys and pretend to clean it

**13)** Run their cell phone bills into the ground so they can't talk to the boys

**14)** Spam this sight with slash

**15)** Hum the song "Dee Dee Dee" whenever they enter the room

**16)** Make them wear granny panties instead of thongs

**17)** Walk them to a 6 foot deep hole and push them in

**18)** Repeat every time they try to climb back out

**19)** For even more fun, use a cattle prod

**20)** Hire Altair to 'take 'em out'

**21)** Give all of their writers a dictionary so they can look up what , HJ/BJ N/C MPreg means

**22)** Scream loud enough to attract Grendel and then run like hell

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A few words to my lovely fans…

1) For everyone getting on my ass about drinking, I'm turning 21 in 2 weeks! Join me at the bar and shush

2) To all of the touchy, feely, "earth first" people who got upset when I mentioned Snipe Hunting in my last chapter, go ask someone with a brain what it means or look it up. Jeez.

3) #10 is from personal experience. I walked by a Lincoln Navigator with my buddy Lucas a while back with a stick-figure family sticker (you know, the ones with the daddy, mommy and little stick figure kids) and this guy had like 6 kids. So what did Lucas do, he tapes a extra strength Trojan (don't ask me where it came from) along with a note that said "This should help" on the window next to it…I'm not saying it was a nice thing to do all I'm saying is that it was funnier then hell. Yes, I'm evil.


	16. Chapter 16

Good lord, just when I thought Mary Sues couldn't get any worse someone brought "My Immortal" to my attention. I have never, _ever _slammed my head against my keyboard THAT hard in my life (and I survived the great Live Journal Strikethrough). The link to this abomination is on my profile and I do recommend reading it 'cause you'll either laugh until your sides split or you will wanna cut out the author's heart with a spoon. Excuse the hostility but I actually read all 44 chapters of that crap and I write in the Harry Potter fandom so I have a right to be pissed!

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**Ways to Annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich, part 16**

**1)** See if they can beat my record at 'Ship's Mast', you know they'll die trying (15 miles in 5 minutes and I didn't even bounce once)

**2)** Make them read all 44 chapters of "My Immortal" and laugh when they're eyes bleed

**3)** Then smack them and scream "You're going to turn our fandom into THAT!"

**4)** Stab the leader of the "Four Friends" with the knife from clue and make her friends guess which room you did it in

**5)** Call the new batch of "soft hearted" Sues hippies

**6)** Mock them further by prancing everywhere and throwing fairy dust in their honor

**7)** By a can of spray-paint and use it on all their goth clothes so they'll HAVE TO WEAR the school uniforms

**8)** Forbid them from joining the swim team!

**9)** Call the Goths "Goffic"

**10)** Make them go on a treasure hunt with you and take them to the forest where "The Knight's That Say _'Neigh'_" live

**11)** Laugh when they drive her crazy

**12)** If they aren't around, find the 3 headed knight

**13)** Tlak ot dem lik dis nd clame ur blenden en (talk to them like this and claim you're 'blending in' for us English speaking folks)

**14)** Scream "THIS IS IP-SWICH" constantly and kick them into every ditch and pot-hole you come across

**15)** Give them the _Lemarchand Configuration_ box and then tell them "Untold Pleasures await them"

**16)** Make sure you get the hell outa dodge before they open it for fear of HOOKS

**17)** Scream and chant "Rabble, Rabble Rabble" whenever they talk to you

**18)** Give them a book on sex ed and make them learn more terms then "Reid's thingy' (snort)

**19)** Also explain that sex doesn't last 2 seconds and if it does it won't be the best she ever had

**20)** Hum Rammstein's _"Mann Gegen Mann"_ whenever the sues talk to the boys.

**21)** Teach the boys to say _"Meine Haut gehört den Herren"_ and don't tell them what it means

**22)** Laugh your ass off when they repeat it to their Sue 'Girlfriends'

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1) I have 3 movie spoofs in this part and whoever and can guess all 3 right (or comes close) will get to answer a special question for me in The Crimson Ritual.

2) Thank you Mr. Dane Cook for number 4

3) "Ships Mast" is very dangerous and I am not encouraging anyone to do it, I almost broke my damn neck

4) I have a headache at the moment so if anything is spelled or worded wrong, please tell me and I'll get around to fixing it

5) TCR and Redeemer are on hold while I work on a X-Mas AMA fic, hence the contest. Sorry for the wait


	17. Chapter 17

I'm drunk again, woooo!

* * *

**Ways To Annoy The Mary Sues Of Ipswich, Part 17**

**1)** Ban them from stealing character names from well known books like Ayra, Lyra, Ayla (name all the books those came from for a laugh) etc

**2)** Print a few of their stories and show it to the school bored as proof of why we should stop cutting funds from the educational system

**3)** Send them to the Jericho fandom (Clive Barker's realm, not the TV)

**4)** Make them very ugly clothing and insist they were them

**5)** Cry loud enough to attract attention when they refuse

**6)** Buy one of the new fashionably styled tasters and fry their skinny asses with it

**7)** Always point out the fact that Reid and Tyler are practically canon nowadays

**8)** As are Pogue and Caleb

**9)** Make yourself their beta reader and constantly point out their canon violations

**10)** Dress in black clothing and stand in front of the school screaming "The Virus Spreads" whenever a group of Sues walk by you

**11)** Take a bat to their hella expensive cars

**12)** Then give the bat to Sarah and run away

**13)** Sell all of their souls to the crossroads demon in exchange for Dean's

**14)** Continuously ask them why they Sons always have 20 hit men on their asses, it makes no sense!

**15)** And why their best killers are always women (Haven't they played hit man?)

**16)** Get drunk and sing to them, very loudly

**17)** Make sure you "Accidentally" fondle Reid whenever they're around

**18)** Lock Reid in a closet somewhere so no shy and innocent girls can find him

**19)** Introduce the new 16 year old Sues to the weird old guy in Family Guy (You know the one I'm talking about, LOL)

**20)** Then grumble and curse later when you remember they're not boys

**21)** Whenever a large group of Sues are together, bring up the fact that ALL of them slept with Reid!

**22)** Join them on the Jerry Springer show for a much needed fight scene that almost never happens in their stories

* * *

The winner of my contest was _I did not name my pen_

My 3 movie spoofs in the last chapter were _Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, 300 _and _Hellraiser_. I'm amazed only one person guess right, y'all should widen your movie horizons a bit more.

**WALL OF SHAME!!!**

Here's my latest flame. LOL

h.p.c.k.m.a.  
_They aren't gay  
you r the gay one and drinking is the most up thing in this world_

Nice huh? Ooh she cut me to the bone with that one. Congratulations sweaty, my next chapter will be the drunkest and gayest yet just for you!! Hahaha!


	18. For The Flamer

I hereby dedicate this chapter to my latest flamer who clearly lacks the ability to read disclaimers, so therefore she will be exploited and laughed at (just like the disclaimer says she will, handy note to the other flamers lurking around my profile) so here you go sweaty. I hope I made it G-A-Y enough for you! If not I still have countless chapters to do. And a big thank you to all of the positive reviewers. I'm glad you all love my humor.

* * *

**Ways To Annoy The Mary Sues Of Ipswich, Part 18**

**1)** Write very vivid and kinky slash stories and spam this site with it

**2)** Fallow the boys to another kegger and get them drunk

**3)** Kick as many Sues as you can find into the bon fire

**4)** If anyone tries to stop you claim you're doing exorcisms

**5)** Make Reid and Tyler get matching tattoos of each other's names while they're drunk

**6)** Insist on accompany each of the four boys on their "Sue Dates" and make a huge effort on ruining them

**7)** Call Protectors of the Plot Continuum frequently to report violations

**8)** Get all of the sister Sues drunk and drop them back off at their respective boarding schools

**9)** If that doesn't work, fly to Sparta and throw them in the bottomless pit (I'm sure it's still there somewhere)

**10)** Buy Tyler one of those "300 Tips for Great Sex" books and demand he tries ALL of them out with Reid

**11)** Also make sure you buy a copy for all of the Sue writers so they can learn a few things

**12)** Ask Don Vito Corleone for a favor on the day of his daughter's wedding

**13)** Then pretend you don't know anything when one of the Sister Sues ends up in Mexico

**14)** Teach all of them "The Beer Song" for LOLZ

**15)** Direct your own documentary on the study of The Covenant Sue

**16)** Hire James Earl Jones to narrate

**17)** Then start filming "Ipswich Boys Gone Wild: Spring Break"

**18)** Set up Blood Wards to keep them out of other fandoms (Sets over a hundred around the AMA fandom)

**19)** Have Sweeney Todd give them a hair cut

**20)** Write your own story about the boys having an annoying gothic sister without no expiation on how the hell she got there or has powers

**21)** Whine and cry all over the forums when no one reads it

**22)** Congratulate my latest flamer for this wonderful chapter

* * *

**1)** I wrote this in a hurry so if anything is spelled wrong let me know 

**2)** Aurora, I'm working on the Sweeney Todd thing

**3)** TCR will be updated soon so please stop hassling me. My new classes started this week so I haven't had a lot of time on my hands to work with it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend too….

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**KM:** Okay, I'll give you 10 Sister Sues, 30 Covenant Girl Sues and 50 Transfer Sues. Come on, it's a steal.

**Crossroads Demon:** (Thinks for a moment) No

**KM:** Oh where the hell is Nick Naylor when you need him? Fine, 12 Sister, 40 Covenant and 60 Transfers and I'll even round up some of those annoying "Goffic" sues for you from the Harry Potter fandom. They're fun to mess with

**Crossroads Demon:** (Deep in thought) I'll think about it if you can round me up some decent Dean/Sam smut

**Sam:** (Confused look) What?

**KM:** Quiet dear, the women are talking


	19. Chapter 19

I am slowly regaining health…

**Ways To Annoy The Mary Sues Of Ipswich, Part 19**

**1)** Buy my new product, "Ho-B-gone" and spray it on them, it really works!

**2)** Start a fan-fiction nightclub in Ipswich

**3)** Appoint yourself as the bouncer and don't let them in

**4)** Ship all of the new stuck up twins "who fall madly in love with one of their brother's friends and yet hates the other 2" with Aaron

**5)** Cross the fandom with Turok and laugh when the Sues get eaten by the dinosaurs

**6)** Or hunted down by Turok…or Kane…OR Cowboy…OR Reese etc…

**7)** Take them to a NASCAR race and introduce them to the largest biker you see, just keep them away from the drivers (stands guard over Truex Jr, Kahne and Vickers)

**8)** Lock them in a room with Tony Stewart and Kurt Busch and force them to go through what Mike Helton does each time those two throw a hissy fit

**9)** Hire Mike Super to put voodoo spells on them

**10)** Fallow them everywhere claiming you're their annoying younger sister…who also has powers for no apparent reason

**11)** Demand your own room, permission not to wear the school uniform and for the laws of physics to be re-written so your character won't be out of place

**12)** Talk like V non stop until they scream

**13)** Sell "Ho-B-Gone" on Spencer's campus

**14)** Tell Dante the new batch of sues are demons and then get the fark out of the way

**15)** See if you can get him to get rid of Kyrie while he's slashing them to ribbons (I swear she fits the damn profile of a Mary Sue!)

**16)** When she's gone, try to get Nero and Dante to bond (slasher laugh)

**17)** Speak nothing but Elfish to them

**18)** Scream when you realize they're so damn perfect THEY ACTUALLY KNOW elfish

**19)** Growl loud enough to give Blackheart a run for his money when they come near you

**20)** Introduce them to my new friends, Red Queen and Legion (evil laugh)

**21)** Kill them for corrupting Tyler!!!

**22)** Explain to them that they can't be the "Only Daughter of Ipswich" anymore because there's currently 495,684,857 other daughters running around

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Yes I will be the first one to admit I'm running out of material. What can I say, there's not a lot of NEW sue ideas floating around these days. (Sigh)

Now after that depressing thought, I need some serious cheering up…

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**Kyrie:** Oh I'm so happy to be alive.

**Nero:** Yeah (goes all mushy and leans in for a kiss)

**Kos-Mos: **NOOOOO!!!!! (Runs up and kills Kyrie with a sword)

**Nero:** WTF!!!

**KM:** Dude, you'll thank me in five minutes, I've been waiting to do that since the start of the bloody game! (Turns towards Dante) And _you_ need to get off your ass and jump on this kid already. He's young, hot and ready and Vergil's gone

**Dante:** Uh…when you put it that way…(Gives Nero a sexy look)

**KM:** Good! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the Turok fandom. Those men are in SERIOUS need of slashing. (Runs away laughing)

_(Kos-Mos's attorney Lucas apologizes for the randomness, Dayquil makes her weird….seriously weird)_


	20. Chapter 20

**Ways To Annoy The Mary Sues Of Ipswich, part 20**

**1) **Convince all of Spencer's students to sing "The New Girl in Town" very loudly and off-key whenever they walk by

**2)** Set them up on a date with Patrick Bateman…mwhahaha

**3)** Insist on accompanying them to their "Final" battle and yell out fighting tips every few seconds

**4)** Make sure to give bad advice, like ducking into a punch, rolling into a kick, etc

**5)** Make all of them re-read the character profiles for ALL the boys again

**6)** Remind them that one: Reid isn't a player and has bad luck with women, two: Tyler is SHY damn it! And three: Caleb is an overachiever or as we call him a "goody-two-shoes" And four: Pogue has a brain!

**7) **Download a very annoying ring tone on their phone and call them every 5 minutes

**8)** Every 3 minutes if they're sleeping or on a date with the boys

**9)** Hire yourself as their personal assistant

**10)** Always point out their "Sue-ness" whenever you get a chance, perfect rainbow colored hair, never smudge make-up and lack of a school uniform

**11) **Side with their mother when she tells them to "Girly up and be proper"

**12) **Buy them the most ridiculous ball gown you can find and make them wear it (I'm talking Disney style people)

**13)** Laugh your ass off when they try to walk in it (and don't be afraid to be loud, after all it's not like they're gonna catch up to you anytime soon lol)

**14)** Buy them a Ferby

**15)** Bewitch the batteries to never run out

**16)** If you can't find a Ferby, a Tickle-Me-Elmo works just fine

**17)** Walk all over the campus singing "The internet if for porn" daily

**18) **Put Nair in their shampoo

**19)** Sit behind them in class and shoot spit balls at them whenever you can

**20)** Pretend it wasn't you, even if you're the only one back there

**21) **Create your own "unique" powers and offer no explanation on how or why you have them

**22)** Make loud comments about their sons looking nothing like their daddies whenever there's a family reunion

* * *

thank you the.autumn.night for number 6


	21. Chapter 21

It's currently 3 in the forkin' morning on my end so if there's spelling problems, bear with me

* * *

**Ways to annoy the Mary Sues, part 21**

**1)** Hum the Gimmy Bear song until it gets stuck in their head

**2)** Use your powers to force them to dance along with it

**3)** Read the **Twilight** books out loud to them and insist that Bella is a more loveable and less annoying Sue then they are

**4)** Continuously compare them to Bella. "You know, she has actual flaws that make her normal…and wow, her hair is only **one** color, she drives a normal POS car like most high schoolers etc." for some serious lol moments

**5)** Find whatever love spell they have on Reid and remove it

**6)** Cast it on Aaron

**7)** Or for some lolz, Gorman

**8)** Buy them a '20 Questions' handheld and laugh when it outsmarts them

**9)** Dress exactly like them and insist you're their 'Eeevil twin'

**10)** Flirt with Reid while doing so for some bonus points

**11)** Buy a crossword puzzle book and keep asking them what's a three letter word for a 'girl who is related to the boys and has powers for no logical reason' or 'a transfer student who has a dark past and will always end up saving the boys in the end'

**12)** Direct them to Encyclopedia Dramtica for an eye-opening revelation

**13)** Tell them you're pregnant with Tyler's child

**14)** Introduce them to "Epic Boobage' it's guaranteed to make any straight sue bi for 5 seconds

**15)** Fly to Cancún and locate the creepy Mayan ruins where the 'man killing veins' grow

**16)** Uproot a decent sized portion of the veins and plant them on Spencer's campus

**17)** Tell the sues (and Sarah since they killed her in another movie) the bright red flowers that mimic sounds are roses and the creepy green veins crawling up their arms are harmless…

**18)** Always stick with the classics, when a group of them are talking to each other, bring up the fact that ALL of them slept with Reid

**19)** And then tell the next group they didn't take Tyler's virginity because Caleb and Reid took it first. OMG a threesome, how naughty

**20)** Declare yourself a faith healer and that you can cure them of all their angst

**21)** When they come to you to be healed, two words. Christ Punch!

**22)** Introduce them to Dr. Rockso, the rock 'n roll clown. He does cocaine!

**23)** Force them to watch his music video, yes the same video Dethklok had to endure. The horror…the horror

* * *

1) Yes I think Bella is a Sue but I don't mean that in a mean way (for once). I actually enjoyed the Twilight books and her character is interesting but there were parts where Bella was basically screaming "I'm a Mary Sue". Edward, however, is the uber Gary Stu. He's always described as 'perfect', 'graceful' 'flawless' 'enchanting'….you see where I'm going with this lol

2) Those '20 questions' handhelds are &# evil I tells you

3) 14 is a running myspace joke, you can find it on Encyclopedia Dramtica

4) For 15-17, see the movie The Ruins of you're confused

5) For those of you who don't know, Dr Rockso is the Rock 'n Roll clown. He does cocaine! (One for the DK fans like me)


	22. Chapter 22

**Ways to annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich, part 22**

**1)** Sing the song "The life of a Mary Sue" whenever you get a chance

**2)** Hire your own border patrol team to keep all the siblings, new students and friends of the Covenant out of the town

**3)** Include the 50 foot high Electrical fence if you must

**4)** Read Sons and Lovers out loud to them and do not stop until they begin to pull their hair out

**5)** Bewitch Reid and make him sing Big Gay Al's "Super" song at the top of his lungs

**6)** Then for some serious LOLZ cast the spell on all the sons and Gorman

**7)** Repeatedly smack them in the face with your palm and yell "Demon be gone!"

**8)** Sing all of Brittany's, Ashley and Christina's songs night and day to them because we all know she **hates** 'Preppy music'

**9)** Bonus points if you make one of the boys do it

**10)** Grab the crotch of any of the boys every time they're near and yell "Oh yeah, that's mine! That's where my babies come from!"

**11)** Make sure to include Aaron because apparently "He has pwers now u no!"

**12)** Attack them with Adam West's 'Cat-Launcher' (See Family Guy for step by step instructions on how to use it)

**13)** Insist that you're their mother, Caleb's their father, Reid's their brother and Tyler's their second possible father due to a weird time travel goof and you're sorry. Your bad.

**14)** Buy them "The complete Idiot's Guild to Witch Craft" and demand they read it, they might learn a few things about being a PROPRER witch

**15)** When they approach you, scream at the top of your lungs and go Kung-Fu on their asses

**16)** Afterwards, look apologetic and say "Oops, my bad, thought you were Chase."

**17)** Remind them of the popular urban myth of if your roommate dies, you'll get straight A's for the semester and star evilly at them for a long period of time

**18)** Inform them there are over 5,000 other hawt guys on Spencer's campus besides the sons

**19)** For a laugh, ask how come those wonderful, beautiful, and oooh, very mysterious girls never pick a normal person. Mr. Right can be without powers for once

**20)** Or could have boobs instead of a cock….. hey I'm just sayin' it would sure thin the numbers out a bit don't ya think?

**21)** While they come up with a decent answer fondle the boys and declare their genitals are YOURS and that's where YOUR babies come from

**22)** And the many babies of the other sons who apparently can get pregnant. Poor Reid, how was he supposed to know that there's a 1 in 10000000000000000 chance of it happening and that Tyler just so happened to be fertile when they got busy that one night?


	23. Chapter 23

Nooooooooo! The sues have spread to The Sons of Anarchy fandom. (Screams loud enough to shatter windows) Why? Why? WHY!?

(Unbetaed because I wanted to get this up quickly so I can work on a birthday fic)

-------------------

Ways to Annoy the Mary Sues of Ipswich, part 23

**1)** Call them preps

**2)** Make them try out for cheerleading! Oh noes!

**3)** And no, they are not allowed to have powers if they make the team. (What fandom do you think this is, Heroes?)

**4)** Always ask them if their boobs are real

**5)** Ask if it's physically possible for them to describe Tyler's appearance without the word "Beautiful"

**6)** Or 'Angelic'

**7)** Then smack them for turning him into a Gary Stu

**8)** Make yourself their official "Fairy God Mother" and then fuck up all their wishes

**9)** For a laugh, turn all the boys gay (not like they're already not anyway)

**10)** Explain that there can only be ONE Highlander, dammit.

**11)** Always ask them if they're Bipolar

**12)** Buy them a copy Twilight and laugh when they lock themselves away in their dorms and dream of Edward

**13)** Later, inform them that Reid and Tyler are just about as far from the Bipolar, 'sparkly', virgin-for-over-a-hundred-years vampire persona as you can get

**14)** Have all their outfits refitted into smaller sizes

**15)** Steal the two kids from the Bedtime Stories movie and put them to good use, you know what I mean

**16)** Hold additions American Idol style for "The Next Mary Sue". The winner will be granted a full scholarship to Ipswich (not like she'll need it anyway with her A++++ average grades lol)

**17)** Feel free to be as ruthless and mean as Simon

**18)** Dress them up in cheesy monster costumes and send them to the Power Rangers fandom

**19)** If they make it out alive (and sane) feel free to dress in spandex and finish the job yourself

**20)** Send a memo around Spencer informing the instructors that the boys are not allowed to be paired with any "flawless" or "shy but very beautiful" girls for class projects

**21)** If they absolutely must have sex with the boys for god's sake, tell them to get creative. Caleb's a hair puller, Pogue has a leather fetish, Reid has authority issues and no one seriously believes Tyler's as innocent as he looks

**22)** Have Doctor Manhattan awe them with his epic "Holy- crap- he's- naked- and- hung- like- a- giant- blue- horse" power (because it sure as heck awed the shit outa me lol)


End file.
